Welcome to West Side Story meets Eclipse. Maria vs. Bella. Tony/Chino vs. Edward/Jacob. The Jets and the Sharks vs. the Vampires and the Werewolves. Good vs. Evil.. Here. We. Go. The Cullen’s are gonna rock it tonight.
1. Maria vs. Bella. While my heroine from West Side Story is beautiful and innocent and full of hope for her romance with Tony, Bella is pretty, pouty, and (literally) dying to lose her innocence. When Edward declares, “Isabella Swan, I promise to love you every moment of forever,” he really means it. For.Ev.ER. Too bad his monotone delivery and glowing skin make it less than believable. Even if he does say it in a field of pretty purple flowers, he just wants her for her blood and she knows it! 
2. Tony/Chino vs. Edward/Jacob. Several similarities occur between the male interests. They are all fairly good looking, and all have mad skills, like knife-wielding, street dancing, neck-biting and growling. They all want the girl and will go to any length to get her. During the Mambo dance scene in West Side Story when Maria declares, “My hands are cold,” Tony warms them and we see the rage in Chino’s jealousy. Remember in Eclipse when Bella is freezing to death in the sleeping bag and her precious Ice-Man Edward has no way to keep her warm? Shirtless Jacob comes to her rescue and reminds Mr. Cullen, “Let’s face it. I am hotter than you.” DUH. Speaking of shirtless, even the men in West Side Story have scenes without shirts. It sold tickets back then. I guess it still sells tickets now. Especially when Edward reminds us, “Does he even own a shirt?” DUH. He’s Jacob. He doesn’t need to own a shirt.
3. The Jets and the Sharks vs. the Vampires and the Werewolves. Let’s get down to it. Never in the history of theater has there ever been a better choreographed dance scene than when the Jets and Sharks go snapping and kicking and jumping through the streets of New York. Never. That is, not until now. When Jasper trains his vampires to defend themselves against the army of Newborns, my palms actually started to sweat.
The neck-snapping and limb-ripping choreography was Out.Standing. Unbelievable, but still outstanding. And let’s not forget those mammoth-sized animatronic werewolves. I think the vampires could avoid a lot of conflict with the Volturi and Victoria if they would just declare a dance-off instead of a kill-off. Great moves. Great music. I’m giving this scene a 7 out of 10.
4. Good vs. Evil. I think it’s just e.vil that this series has been allowed to continue as long as it has. So what if it sells bazillio$ of tickets to the under-18 and over-30 women of the world? Other than its’ value for mocking out loud in a movie theater, there is nothing good about Eclipse. Nothing. Except its’ fabulous dialog, of which I would now like to share a few of my favorites.
Charlie: “Hey, hey, hey guys. Easy. Let’s take it down a notch, all right? What’s going on?”
Jacob: “I kissed Bella. (pause) And she broke her hand. (Pause) Punching my face. (Pause) It was a complete misunderstanding.” ***side note: if there’s an award for fakest punch in a movie, Bella takes it!
Edward: “Bella, would you stop trying to take your clothes off?” ***yeah, like any vampire is really gonna say that to his girlfriend.
Edward: (to Jacob during the sleeping bag scene) “Could you even attempt to control your thoughts?”
Bella: “Should I come back?”
Jacob: “I need some time, but I’ll always be waiting.”
Bella: “Until my heart stops beating.”
Jacob: “Maybe even then.” ***HELLO BELLA! CHOOSE JACOB. DUH!
And finally, my favorite line of all time. It sums up my feelings for all things Eclipse.
“I Am Done. I AM SO DONE!”
If you’re looking for a classic tale of forbidden romance, cultural traditions, great music, dancing that is to-die-for, and heart-wrenching death scenes, skip Eclipse and stick with West Side Story. Trust me on this. DUH!
1. Maria vs. Bella. While my heroine from West Side Story is beautiful and innocent and full of hope for her romance with Tony, Bella is pretty, pouty, and (literally) dying to lose her innocence. When Edward declares, “Isabella Swan, I promise to love you every moment of forever,” he really means it. For.Ev.ER. Too bad his monotone delivery and glowing skin make it less than believable. Even if he does say it in a field of pretty purple flowers, he just wants her for her blood and she knows it! 2. Tony/Chino vs. Edward/Jacob. Several similarities occur between the male interests. They are all fairly good looking, and all have mad skills, like knife-wielding, street dancing, neck-biting and growling. They all want the girl and will go to any length to get her. During the Mambo dance scene in West Side Story when Maria declares, “My hands are cold,” Tony warms them and we see the rage in Chino’s jealousy. Remember in Eclipse when Bella is freezing to death in the sleeping bag and her precious Ice-Man Edward has no way to keep her warm? Shirtless Jacob comes to her rescue and reminds Mr. Cullen, “Let’s face it. I am hotter than you.” DUH. Speaking of shirtless, even the men in West Side Story have scenes without shirts. It sold tickets back then. I guess it still sells tickets now. Especially when Edward reminds us, “Does he even own a shirt?” DUH. He’s Jacob. He doesn’t need to own a shirt.3. The Jets and the Sharks vs. the Vampires and the Werewolves. Let’s get down to it. Never in the history of theater has there ever been a better choreographed dance scene than when the Jets and Sharks go snapping and kicking and jumping through the streets of New York. Never. That is, not until now. When Jasper trains his vampires to defend themselves against the army of Newborns, my palms actually started to sweat.
The neck-snapping and limb-ripping choreography was Out.Standing. Unbelievable, but still outstanding. And let’s not forget those mammoth-sized animatronic werewolves. I think the vampires could avoid a lot of conflict with the Volturi and Victoria if they would just declare a dance-off instead of a kill-off. Great moves. Great music. I’m giving this scene a 7 out of 10.4. Good vs. Evil. I think it’s just e.vil that this series has been allowed to continue as long as it has. So what if it sells bazillio$ of tickets to the under-18 and over-30 women of the world? Other than its’ value for mocking out loud in a movie theater, there is nothing good about Eclipse. Nothing. Except its’ fabulous dialog, of which I would now like to share a few of my favorites.
Charlie: “Hey, hey, hey guys. Easy. Let’s take it down a notch, all right? What’s going on?”Jacob: “I kissed Bella. (pause) And she broke her hand. (Pause) Punching my face. (Pause) It was a complete misunderstanding.” ***side note: if there’s an award for fakest punch in a movie, Bella takes it!
Edward: “Bella, would you stop trying to take your clothes off?” ***yeah, like any vampire is really gonna say that to his girlfriend.
Edward: (to Jacob during the sleeping bag scene) “Could you even attempt to control your thoughts?”
Bella: “Should I come back?”
Jacob: “I need some time, but I’ll always be waiting.”
Bella: “Until my heart stops beating.”
Jacob: “Maybe even then.” ***HELLO BELLA! CHOOSE JACOB. DUH!
And finally, my favorite line of all time. It sums up my feelings for all things Eclipse.
“I Am Done. I AM SO DONE!”
If you’re looking for a classic tale of forbidden romance, cultural traditions, great music, dancing that is to-die-for, and heart-wrenching death scenes, skip Eclipse and stick with West Side Story. Trust me on this. DUH!
THANK YOU! I agree 100,000,000%! :)
ReplyDeleteA-mazing. I think this could possibly be one of the best posts I've ever read :) I'm sending this to my sister :)
ReplyDeleteWhere to start? I guess with a snap, like they did in West Side Story. Your comparisons are spot on (as near as I can tell, not having actually seen Eclipse yet). So, despite your recommendation to skip it and stick to Jets v. Sharks, I'm going to have to consume the Vampire v. Werewolf saga. Plus, are you on team Jacob?
ReplyDelete